Empowering Kids to Deal with Bullies and Low Self-Esteem
Did you know that 23% of 9th graders have carried a weapon to school
recently? According to the US Justice Department, one out of three kids
will be offered or sold drugs at school while one out of four kids is bullied
either mentally or physically every day. Do we really know what happens to
our kids when they leave the safety of our homes to go to school?
Unfortunately, bullying and child violence have become quite common themes
in every school across the country, and outside the US as well.
Dr. Jay Carter and myself have written a book, and run a web site, that
helps parents, teachers, and kids learn the skills they need to deal with
bullies and low self-esteem. On this journey, we've encountered many sad
stories that are all too real.
One that really stands out in my mind, and heart, is in the form of a
letter written by a woman in IL. She starts out by thanking me for writing my
book and wishing she would've had it for her son, Ricky, 5 years earlier.
Ricky was tormented every day at school by his "bullies". He was an
asthmatic, and continually his classmates would take his inhaler medication
from him to spray on themselves, in the air - essentially wasting it. This
went on until one cold day in December, 1994, that has left his mother
devastated. Ricky was found dead at school. He died of an asthma attack. His
inhaler, found empty.
This is only one of many depressing stories. We've all had bad experiences
to some degree that seem to be too close to home. But what can we do?
One of the things that Dr. Carter and myself did to bring awareness was in
collaboration with NBC10 News out of Philadelphia. At a local middle school,
we hid 5 cameras in a classroom of 8th graders. Only one child, Jonathan, was
in on our "sting" operation. He played the role of a bully while wearing a
wire microphone. We then hid in a nearby classroom and monitored his
classmates reactions as he proceeded to harass them. He harassed them with
the arrogance that only a bully knows. We had him making fun of people,
pushing and shoving, and giving off a real "I'm the only all important one"
The reactions varied as you can imagine. They were about as different as
every child's personality. Some moved out of his way, timid and frightened,
while others stood up for themselves screaming, "Get some manners"! One girl
smacked him in the farhead! But we were also touched by the concern of many.
We listened as they approached the teacher and expressed concern for
Jonathan's behavior. They felt he must really be hurting inside to be taking
out so much frustration on them.
Bullies really do have low self-esteem. If there is something about
themselves they don't like, they feel that by putting you down, and teasing
you, they are distracting from their own problems. Bullies are also angry.
Most likely they were also bullied at some point. We call this the "Bully
Cycle". Also in question would be the negative influence of peers, caretakers
who may have abused or enabled them, and exposure to violence in the media.
What can the victim do about his/her bully? Try confronting them and
telling them how they are making you feel. "What did I do to you?" In many
situations ignoring has the best results. If the bully no longer gets a
reaction out of you, he/she will usually move on. It is no longer any fun.
But what about the bully who is very abusive or violent? Make sure the school
knows what is going on, and if they are unwilling to get involved, you need
to contact the bully's parents. This type of bully should be avoided at all
costs. Traveling to school in a group, and staying away from empty buildings
are other wise options.
I'm sure you'll all agree that both the victims and bullies need help and
support. Teach them that their actions have consequences. Instill in them the
Rules for Fighting Fair: Identify the problem. Focus on the problem. Attack
the problem, not the person. Listen with an open mind. Treat a person's
feelings with respect. And finally - Take responsibility for your actions.
Let's all do our part to help prevent the children of our future from
If you are interested in seeing the segment we filmed for the 6 o'clock
news at NBC10 in Philadelphia, please contact your local NBC stations and ask
them to carry the piece on bullies that appeared Feb. 15, 2000.
If you'd like to learn more about bully and self-esteem issues, please
visit our web site, or E-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org. Send comments and suggestions to: Kathy Noll, 3300 Chestnut St., Reading, PA 19605. Order a copy of "Taking the Bully by the Horns" by Kathy Noll & Dr. Carter through Amazon.com's secure server!
Copyright © Kathy Noll & Dr. Jay Carter, Authors of "Taking the Bully by the Horns". Reprinted with permission.